happy [early] birthday to me!

I just got home school and I am SO excited about tonight! I invited everyone to Detour tonight to party with me and I hope that a lot of people make it. Even though I missed two classes today and I have tests in both of them next week, its OK because in a few hours I will be parting and having a good time. I just hope that neither Shannon nor Anthony rear their ugly heads and try to rain on my parade. Even if they try, they may not succeed 'cause I just got paid, it'll soon be my birthday, and I feel great!

Return To: [school/Athens/blog]

I am sitting in a physics building lecture hall in my Statistics class. I don't often bring my laptop to classes because [as this clearly illustrates] it is a distraction. I always feel bad when I haven't written in a while and compelled to "update" the blog on the occurences between posts that have gone undocumented. I don't think I want to detail the dramatic and depressing events that made up my first month or so back in Athens [damn you, Shannon], but I suppose it's ok to talk about semi-recent happenings.

I finally got my first official/"on-a-pay-roll" job a few weeks ago. I am working as a desk assistant in Russell Hall. Thusfar I am really enjoying it. I've gotten to meet some cool new people [co-workers, supervisor, and the RAs] and come to appreciate my time in Reed. hahahahaha! I would have DIED if I'd have let them put me in Russell. I'm really glad that I've gotten to know one of the RAs, Dustin, a little better. I knew of him from before through Long, but only just talked to him this semester. He's oddly fascinating and reminds me a lot of Stoner. [They both have the type of Southern accent that I can actually appreciate.] He's also one of the few people that I like because we don't necessarily agree on everything. He's got to be my only gay friend that was born Catholic and remains religious and he seems to share the same idea on marraige as the annoying shits in my PoliSci class from last year. However, hearing from Dustin isn't so annoying or abrasive, but intriguing -- make me want to know why he feels that way. He also a blog that I find interesting and has sparked my interesting in picking back up here on my own blog. So I am back! Thanks to Dustin.

In other news: my birthday is this Saturday!!!
Like last year, my birthday present from my parents is airfare to Chicago for Fall Break [the weekend before Halloween]. This year im celebrating my birthday in Chicago and Georgia is throwing me a birthday party at her boyfriend Kannan's place. The theme is "Party Like A Pornstar!" We're all supposed to dress up as porno character clichés [pizzaboy, plumber, cheerleader, nurse, etc.]. I've yet to decide on what I'm gonna wear, but I'm really excited about my trip. However, I don't think that my birthday itself is going to be quite as exciting this weekend back here in Athens. Last weekend, Mum and Sasha came to visit since they weill both be busy this weekend and unavailable. SO I'm trying to get everyone that I know in Athens to join me Friday night at Detour to kick my birthday off right. [And Erica is supposed to me going with me on my first trip to Cracker Barrel this weekend aswell! haha.]

"They Call Me Drama"

It's past four in the morning and I return to school in a week and a half. My sleeping schedule is shit and, on top of that, I've come to the realization that I love drama. I was on Jay's Facebook and saw that Jess invited him to dinner tomorrow night and now I'm up fantasizing about crashing their meal and stirring up shit. I can imagine just walking into the restaurant and "randomly running into" them sitting there already.

Fancy meeting you here.

I'd talk softly and almost sweetly as if nothing had ever happened and drop calculated compliments with all the sincerity I could muster. I'd love to bring back pleasant memories of when we were together, to make her want me again -- all for the sake of exacting revenge on her and her scumbag boyfriend.

yo ho!

POLICE ARE SHIT.

I've just gotten home from being pulled over for the first time. This evening I took Sasha to see The Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (which was lovely) and on the way home I was speeding as is my usual fashion. This time, however, unlike any time in the past, I was pulled over. I happened to be doing 50 in a 35. Humbug! Fifteen over is nothing to me! In any case good ol' Johnny Law pulls me over and when I hand him my license, he breaks it in two. He asks why I was in such a hurry and I tell him that I was trying to get Sasha home since she has school in the morning. Probably out of guilt for having fucked up my license, he lets me go without a ticket. This was a fairly mild run in with the cops and I was schocked because all cops are egotistical power-drunk scum.

i want to start over

It has been an odd few weeks and I am left confused and lost.

-love&death-
I broke up with Anthony a week after my last post and we continued as friends with benefits for like a month and some change afterward. The weekend after I broke up with him I had sex with my friends Shannon and Long starting with a threesome of sorts. That laid the foundation for an akward love triangle of which in still in the middle. Shannon clearly liked me a lot since he first met me when I was still with Anthony, and I had a little crush on Long at the time aswell. So now Shannon flip-flops between being my friend [and fuckbuddy?] and not wanting to have anything to do with me at all out of jealousy. He may have even permanently fucked over his friendship with Long because of his jealous behavior. All the while I've been basically drooling over Long and he seems completly uninterested. I never knew if he really liked me before any of this happened like I did and I'm afraid to ask at the risk of sounding overly interested. BUT he is also under the impression that I am a cold, heartless bitch incapable of love that is only interested in him for sex. That just isn't true. If I were to go back to monogamy so soon I'd only want it to be with him. Ugh.

Then there's the situation with Anthony. Long story short: He threw me against a wall at his bithday party because I was "ignoring him." He led me into the proverbial lion's den adn expected me to be happy and attentive. I can't forgive him. I even let him think that I'd contracted an STD to spite him. I've never lied to him, but I didn't tell him was fine just so I could watch him squirm. Then the unimaginable happened: our friend -- his best friend -- Austin died. Suicide. We all knew he was going through a tough time and had just dropped out of school, but I don't think any of us saw this coming. So lately it's been hard for me to be cold with Anthony, but I know that I should be even though a small silly and sentimental part of my wishes that we were still friends.
...fuck that. I can't allow myself to forgive him.


-school-
I am unsure of what I want to do anymore. My utter lack of motivation has left me in an awful situation. I will probably lose my scholarship and will be royally fucked fo next year as my college fund seems already be emptying far faster than I'd anticipated. I was never totally keen on coming to the University of Georgia in the first place, but recently I have been wondering "why the hell am I here?!" This school will make anyone racist. I just don't belong here and I've been thinking about just dropping out and moving to New York. I know I should. I should follow my dreams, right? Besides I don't even need a college degree for the job that I want. I am just SO afraid that I can't make it in New York on my own. I feel old as hell, but I've been spoon-fed all my life and I am not sure if a new start will be the push I need to get my life in order or if I will just drown.

6 months & back to Square One

It has been over six months since my last post. Anthony and I had our six-month anniversary last week Tuesday [the 16^th]. Things have been amazing so I guess that's why I havent felt the urge to write here, but recently Anthony has been asking those questions that lead to awkward relationship-evaluation conversations that always, at least for me, signal the end of the relationship. I've managed to make it through ok so far, but I keep feeling that we should just take a break. I love Anthony. [It was so new to me especially since I was the first person to say it. I had just been compelled to say it to him over and over again.] BUT, during our conversations, specifically the five-hour talk we had the other night has lead me to believe that I cannot, at this time, give Anthony what he needs. I kind of just want to be young and stupid and enjoy college life. I know that Anthony is the kind of person that I could eventually settle down with "for the rest of my natural life," but I'm not ready to settle down -- to be so completely bonded to one person.

Since I failed Calculus first semester, I have been considering going to summer school to make it up and maybe get ahead since I also want to add on another major in Advertising to my Business major. One of the possible locations that I had considered was the University of Miami so that I could also spend much needed time with my cousins that I haven't seen in what's going on years. Anthony did not like the idea of being away from me for 2 months, and the other night he thought I was going to Detour, the local gay club, by myself and started crying. I... I just can't be as caring, supportive, and compassionate as he wants me to be. Not yet. Not right now.

I wish were as easy as just taking a break and picking everything up right where we left off a few years down the road, but I seriously doubt that it can be that simple. Anthony is AMAZING and I don't want to lose him, but our relationship will probably work out best int he future. I am in need of good counsel.

musical chairs

I am pretty sure about things at the moment. Or at least as sure as I get. Thusly, I havent posted recently, but I fell that I should try to post regularly. Trey messaged Anthony today pretty much hitting on him. When he found out that Tony and I were talking and that I was getting ready to leave Shane [I think it'd be for the best] he asked for Shane's number. Its kinda akward to be trying to hook up Trey who i barely know with my boyfriend, but I am sure that I want to be with Anthony. I finally talked to Shane tonight, but couldn't break up with him. I might visit him at work one night and do it in person.

A swap. Trey gets Shane and I get Anthony. I hope it works itself out.

I look forward to Anthony's return from Florida on Monday, but dread it at the same time. The basis of our relationship has been online instant messaging so I don't know if we will have the same dynamic in person. I don't want this to go badly and I don't want to disappoint him. I think he is insecure about his appearance, while I am insecure about my mind. I don't understand what he see in me most days. I figure that the fact that I may be fun to look at may detract attention from the rest of me and my flaws.

jailbait

It's funny how quickly time flies by. I still think of myself as being young - a boy even. But I am legally an adult. Not so long ago I would have been lying baout my age to older guys and now I'm the older guy. Chantaé works with a kid named Zack that has a MAJOR crush on me. He seems pretty cool and he's a total twink, but he is only 15. He wont be of legal age in Georgia (16) until the end of January. I was actually contemplating having a threesome with him and Shane, but imagine how messy Zacks emotions would have been afterward. We've only been talking for a few days and he's pretty much fallen for me. He's cute, but not cute enough to go to jail for. I feel so old.

drifting

I think that I'm in an odd transitory period. Not only between high school and college, but as far as my relationships. Yesterday at orientation wasn't quite as bad as the first day. I felt a lot better about the university after I had registered for classes. Sadly, however, I think that I will be taking a lot of bullshit classes. I'm gonna be taking like three or four social science classes for no good reason and drifting throught my first semester. Calculus, however, [since I tested out of all aths, but calc] will probably kick my ass.

Anyway, as far as the transition I was talking about... Today I spent the day with Georgia [and I'm still at her house now]. Fathma and Court were here. I had to ask him if he was going out with Caitlin and whether he'd lost his virginity. The answers to both questions were "yes." He even said that he didn't want drama and "unnecessary people" to be in his business. This of course bothered me because I really like to be trusted and I feel like Court no longer trusts me when he used to completely. I've been here trying to coach him on what to do with his fucked up realtionship with Mary Catherine when all the while he has been with Caitlin. I still treat these people with all of the respect that i used to in like middle school when they are no longer as good of friends to me as they used to be. Erica, Brittney, and Stephanie are far better friends to me and I don't even treat them as nicely as they deserve me to. I suppose I should be glad that being at UGA will make me closer to those friends that are really friends.

I still don't know what to think about Shane because I just talked to him and it is obvious that I probably wont see him for few more days, but just having talked to him made me feel better. Who knows. This is why I hate relationships.

disoriented

I am in Athens for orientation at UGA. Orientation is two days long and as far as I can tell, a total waste of my life. I really don't want to hate it here, but I think I am starting to. There is no such thing as diversity here. In a single study abroad seminar [which I skipped out on to hang with Brittney] I observed only 5 minority students (including myself) out of 52 students [about 9.6%]. It isn't that I am at all racist, I even initially thought I might like UGA more because of the change in demographics, but the type of kids that are here are obnoxious s-horror girls and frat brats that are interested in little more than getting drunk off of their asses all of the time. These aren't the kinds of people I can see myself getting along with. They are self-absorbed, spoiled, and shallow. God help me. Maybe it will be a lot better when I'll be here with Brittney, Alexis, and Erica. Tomorrow doesn't appear to be shaping up much better. At least Brittney let me sleep here in her dorm so that I don't have to wake up terribly early and use the community showers in Brumby. My roommate Jimmy must be wondering what the hell I am doing. Oh well, at least I can enjoy my sleep and early morning. I think I shall skip breakfast with everyone else and eat over at East Campus Village with Brittney. Again, I say that I hope I will enjoy myself here in the fall and that I am just too antisocial to truly benefit from this orientation.