Sunday, April 01, 2007

i want to start over

It has been an odd few weeks and I am left confused and lost.

I broke up with Anthony a week after my last post and we continued as friends with benefits for like a month and some change afterward. The weekend after I broke up with him I had sex with my friends Shannon and Long starting with a threesome of sorts. That laid the foundation for an akward love triangle of which in still in the middle. Shannon clearly liked me a lot since he first met me when I was still with Anthony, and I had a little crush on Long at the time aswell. So now Shannon flip-flops between being my friend [and fuckbuddy?] and not wanting to have anything to do with me at all out of jealousy. He may have even permanently fucked over his friendship with Long because of his jealous behavior. All the while I've been basically drooling over Long and he seems completly uninterested. I never knew if he really liked me before any of this happened like I did and I'm afraid to ask at the risk of sounding overly interested. BUT he is also under the impression that I am a cold, heartless bitch incapable of love that is only interested in him for sex. That just isn't true. If I were to go back to monogamy so soon I'd only want it to be with him. Ugh.

Then there's the situation with Anthony. Long story short: He threw me against a wall at his bithday party because I was "ignoring him." He led me into the proverbial lion's den adn expected me to be happy and attentive. I can't forgive him. I even let him think that I'd contracted an STD to spite him. I've never lied to him, but I didn't tell him was fine just so I could watch him squirm. Then the unimaginable happened: our friend -- his best friend -- Austin died. Suicide. We all knew he was going through a tough time and had just dropped out of school, but I don't think any of us saw this coming. So lately it's been hard for me to be cold with Anthony, but I know that I should be even though a small silly and sentimental part of my wishes that we were still friends.
...fuck that. I can't allow myself to forgive him.

I am unsure of what I want to do anymore. My utter lack of motivation has left me in an awful situation. I will probably lose my scholarship and will be royally fucked fo next year as my college fund seems already be emptying far faster than I'd anticipated. I was never totally keen on coming to the University of Georgia in the first place, but recently I have been wondering "why the hell am I here?!" This school will make anyone racist. I just don't belong here and I've been thinking about just dropping out and moving to New York. I know I should. I should follow my dreams, right? Besides I don't even need a college degree for the job that I want. I am just SO afraid that I can't make it in New York on my own. I feel old as hell, but I've been spoon-fed all my life and I am not sure if a new start will be the push I need to get my life in order or if I will just drown.