Thursday, January 25, 2007

6 months & back to Square One

It has been over six months since my last post. Anthony and I had our six-month anniversary last week Tuesday [the 16th]. Things have been amazing so I guess that's why I havent felt the urge to write here, but recently Anthony has been asking those questions that lead to awkward relationship-evaluation conversations that always, at least for me, signal the end of the relationship. I've managed to make it through ok so far, but I keep feeling that we should just take a break. I love Anthony. [It was so new to me especially since I was the first person to say it. I had just been compelled to say it to him over and over again.] BUT, during our conversations, specifically the five-hour talk we had the other night has lead me to believe that I cannot, at this time, give Anthony what he needs. I kind of just want to be young and stupid and enjoy college life. I know that Anthony is the kind of person that I could eventually settle down with "for the rest of my natural life," but I'm not ready to settle down -- to be so completely bonded to one person.

Since I failed Calculus first semester, I have been considering going to summer school to make it up and maybe get ahead since I also want to add on another major in Advertising to my Business major. One of the possible locations that I had considered was the University of Miami so that I could also spend much needed time with my cousins that I haven't seen in what's going on years. Anthony did not like the idea of being away from me for 2 months, and the other night he thought I was going to Detour, the local gay club, by myself and started crying. I... I just can't be as caring, supportive, and compassionate as he wants me to be. Not yet. Not right now.

I wish were as easy as just taking a break and picking everything up right where we left off a few years down the road, but I seriously doubt that it can be that simple. Anthony is AMAZING and I don't want to lose him, but our relationship will probably work out best int he future. I am in need of good counsel.


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