drifting

I think that I'm in an odd transitory period. Not only between high school and college, but as far as my relationships. Yesterday at orientation wasn't quite as bad as the first day. I felt a lot better about the university after I had registered for classes. Sadly, however, I think that I will be taking a lot of bullshit classes. I'm gonna be taking like three or four social science classes for no good reason and drifting throught my first semester. Calculus, however, [since I tested out of all aths, but calc] will probably kick my ass.

Anyway, as far as the transition I was talking about... Today I spent the day with Georgia [and I'm still at her house now]. Fathma and Court were here. I had to ask him if he was going out with Caitlin and whether he'd lost his virginity. The answers to both questions were "yes." He even said that he didn't want drama and "unnecessary people" to be in his business. This of course bothered me because I really like to be trusted and I feel like Court no longer trusts me when he used to completely. I've been here trying to coach him on what to do with his fucked up realtionship with Mary Catherine when all the while he has been with Caitlin. I still treat these people with all of the respect that i used to in like middle school when they are no longer as good of friends to me as they used to be. Erica, Brittney, and Stephanie are far better friends to me and I don't even treat them as nicely as they deserve me to. I suppose I should be glad that being at UGA will make me closer to those friends that are really friends.

I still don't know what to think about Shane because I just talked to him and it is obvious that I probably wont see him for few more days, but just having talked to him made me feel better. Who knows. This is why I hate relationships.

disoriented

I am in Athens for orientation at UGA. Orientation is two days long and as far as I can tell, a total waste of my life. I really don't want to hate it here, but I think I am starting to. There is no such thing as diversity here. In a single study abroad seminar [which I skipped out on to hang with Brittney] I observed only 5 minority students (including myself) out of 52 students [about 9.6%]. It isn't that I am at all racist, I even initially thought I might like UGA more because of the change in demographics, but the type of kids that are here are obnoxious s-horror girls and frat brats that are interested in little more than getting drunk off of their asses all of the time. These aren't the kinds of people I can see myself getting along with. They are self-absorbed, spoiled, and shallow. God help me. Maybe it will be a lot better when I'll be here with Brittney, Alexis, and Erica. Tomorrow doesn't appear to be shaping up much better. At least Brittney let me sleep here in her dorm so that I don't have to wake up terribly early and use the community showers in Brumby. My roommate Jimmy must be wondering what the hell I am doing. Oh well, at least I can enjoy my sleep and early morning. I think I shall skip breakfast with everyone else and eat over at East Campus Village with Brittney. Again, I say that I hope I will enjoy myself here in the fall and that I am just too antisocial to truly benefit from this orientation.

...where are we going?

I'm in kind of a wierd mood right now. I suppose all this talk about love with Georgia has gotten me looking [a bit too deeply] at my own relationships. I really like Shane, at least more so than I've liked most people, but at the same time our relationship seems pretty superficial. [While at the same time, I'm having this amazing new friendship with Anthony.] Shane initially thought I was hot. OK, great. But for years I always thought that he was striaght. I only barely knew him through our friend Erin and I thought he was interested in her. Then, maybe a month or so before we are supposed to be graduating, I find out that he's gay and that he's had a crush on me. I don't know why he never told me since he knew i liked guys and he wasn't at all obvious. Whatever. Learning about his sexuality kinda made him intriging, but I wouldn't say I was terribly interested in him. We talked and the situation didn't change for a few weeks, but oddly enough I grew really fond of him. The thing is, though, now that we are official we don't talk like we used to... or nearly as often. I don't want to be clingly or bothersome, but its not nearly the same anymore. I still adore him and it isn't as if we've been dating forever, but I really believe that I have realtionship ADHD. Anthony and I have been talking every night only and we have amazing conversations that I'm not sure Shane and I could. I'm pretty sure that Anthony is falling for me and I think that I could potentially fall for him. Also I am very uncertain about what the future holds for Shane and me because he will be here going to school and I will be in Athens at UGA. I just can't be certain. I want to see where this is going, but I can't help but to [always] feel like I am wasting my time.

Georgia's leaving...now and later

I have a terrible headace, so sadly, I cant go as in-depth as I would have liked with this post, but I've come a realization. My friends serve individual purposes. [Chantaé is the one with whom I do crazy stuff, Georgia the one with whom I can be emotional, and Jessica the one with whom I can be myself and who knows me better than I know myself.] This may be like a "duh" moment, but, as I wrestle with the idea of life after high school, I realize that my best friends will be so far away. I have a terrible track record when it comes to keeping in touch. Supposedly, I unconsciously abandon people, without malice... I just let them go. I've lost most of my best friends to distance. Not even great distances either. My best friend from elementary school lives maybe ten minutes away yet I havent seen or spoken to him in at least seven years. My eighth-grade teacher, Ms. Vonderhaar finally moved to Nevada to be with her children and I am so worried that no matter how much I love her, I wont keep in touch with her. Anyway, to address the real issue, I don't know what I'm going to do with out my best friends. Who will I turn to? Actually, in true antisocial fashion I will probably turn to the kids that went to highschool with me [even though I never really liked them] in order to have a social life and keep all emotions to myself. I am dreading this transition so much. Georgia leaves tomorrow for Chicago to have orientation. She'll be gone for four days, which isn't a big deal, but it let me know that this is really happenening.

She's in love. We had a really long conversation about it tonight, but I think I might save that for later. Her friend John was there for most of it though. He is really insightful and wise so I have a lot of respect for him. Since Georgia and I are so similar, the conversation made me wonder if I could fall in love and with whom? Georgia's love is odd so does it mean I could really fall for Shane? Who knows. He isn't the most gorgeous person in the world, but he is an absolute sweetheart and I feel great when I'm with him. It's extremely to be thinking about love, but I just had to wonder.

kiss&part

While I am on the topic of the origins of my blog, I think I will address the URL. [kissandpart.blogspot.com] It comes from a poem I read nearly a month a go when taking the AP Literature exam. I feel in love with it immediately.


from IDEA.
61

SINCE there's no help, come let us kiss and part;
Nay, I have done, you get no more of me,
And I am glad, yea glad with all my heart
That thus so cleanly I can free;
Shake hands forever, cancel all our vows,
And when we meet at any time again,
Be it not seen in either of our brows
That we one jot of former love retain.
Now at the last gasp of Love's latest breath,
When, his pulse failing, Passion speechless lies,
When Faith is kneeling by his bed of death,
And Innocence is closing up his eyes,
     Now if thou wouldst, when all have given him over,
     From death to life thou mightst him yet recover.

-Michael Drayton
(1563-1631)

The Stranger

The namesake of my blog is a novel of the same name [actually L'etranger] by the French author Albert Camus. My dear Jessica, who knows me better than I know myself suggested that I name my blog after the book since I remind her almost exactly of the main character Meursault. So, I decided today to read The Stranger for myself.

I honestly couldn't see a resemblance at first. It was odd reading the thought process of a man that was supposedly so identical to myself and I still don't think that on the surface we are much alike. When reading the book I couldn't imagine that I would ever have those exact strains of thoughts, but I relaized in the last couple of chapters that Jessica was right. Meursault and I are generally withdrawn, existential persons who don't have much in the way of feelings. We don't tend to experience love (at least not in the way that most people do) and we are sort of condemned for it.

I wont go into great detail about the plot, but for whomever may read this blog, I highly reccomend reading The Stranger. It's a very short book [only about a hundred or so pages] and well worth it for a peak into the mind of Meursault adn the absurdist world in which he lived. I will however, just include some of my favoritee quotations from the novel.

"...everybody knows life isn't worth living. Deep down I knew perfectly well that it doesnt matter whether you die at thirty or at seventy, since in either case other men and women will naturally go on living -- and for thousands of years. In fact, nothing could be clearer. Whether it was no or twenty years from now, I would still be the one dying."

"Since we're all going to die, it's obvious that when and how don't matter."

"It also occured to me that she might be sick or dead. These things happen. How was I to know, since apart from out bodies, now seperated, there wasn't anyuthing to keep us together or even to remind us of each other? Anyway, after that Marie meant nothing to me. I wasn't interested in her dead. That seemed perfectly normal to me, since I understood very well that people would forget about me when I was dead. They wouldn't have anything more to do with me."

"...it's always interesting to hear people talk about you."

"I would have liked to have tried explaining to him cordially, almost affectionately that I bad never been able to truly feel remorse for anything. My mind was always on what was coming next, today or tomorrow."

virgin

Shane's going to have the house to himself for about a week, which is great since I hadn't seen or talked to him in about four days. He came by and picked me up and we went to Wal*Mart to get him some condoms. We went back to his place and put them to use. I hadn't imagined that it would hurt as much as it did initially. It was kind of amusing that Shane couldn't take it for but a few seconds. He stopped before he got off too, so I guess maybe next time we can finish.

what would your dad think?

My mother and I had the "are you gay?" talk today... again. Every now and again she will ask me questions about my sexuality and then not touch it ever again unless she is concerned about something. I ernestly believe that ignorance is bliss. Most people are happy when they don't know that something is "wrong." Thusly, I think it is sufficent that my mother know the basics when it comes to my sex life. I like men. Sadly, however, she seems to love the "torture" of knowing the intimate details. I can understand her concern for my safety considering the "dangers of gay sex," but honestly she should know that I am not going to do anything stupid.

Last night Chantaé gave me an unlubricated condom that she didn't want and later that night we went to Wal*Mart so should could buy another box of condoms. While I was there I decided to do some shopping of my own. I bought some lube because Shane and I were messing around and would have ended up having sex if we'd had the propper tools around. I also bought a white polo from the kids section and modified it with some spray paint when I got home. [It's amazing if I say so myself.]

Anyway, Mum found the lube box in the trash today and felt the need to question me. She said that it was sad that she and my father, a heterosexual couple, could have two children, both of whom "turn out to be gay." [While I don't believe that homosexuality is genetic, despite the evidence my sister and I might claim to pose, I do believe that one's sexuality is determined at birth.] So she's there acting as if our sexuality is some curse happening to her. I'd never thought of my mother as selfish, but it all came out in that moment. It was disgusting. She may not have grandchildren or official in-laws, but is it the end of the world? She also said that I must be ashamed of who I am because I'm not some nelly fag yelling "I'm here, I'm queer!!" from the rooftops. I am very comfortable with who I am, though I will admit to having gone through the bisexual phase simply because that label was more comforting in such a homophobic society. [God, I have to leave the South!] So, she said whenever we'd previously talked about my sexuality she walked away confused, but as I said before: ignorance is bliss. I don't want to hurt my homophobic family so I don't tell them. They're happy and I would be happy whether then knew or not.

bye to Killa B

Today turned out far better than I'd thought it would. My maternal uncle Andrew and his wife spent the night here last night. Sadly, I am not terribly close with any of my relatives on my other's side of the family so I had that akward "stranger in my house" feeling. Generally, I HATE having other people in my house -- even my own friends -- but that's another story. Anyway, I woke up, took some obligatory family pictures even though I looked a hot mess and then called up some friends. Alexis left a message inviting me to Brittney's going away diner at La Parilla. I didn't want to go because I hate the akward feeling of other people's family functions. So I politely said that I would "try" to make the 7:00 diner, but I might be busy. [Bullshit.] Sadly, my alternative plans were to go up to Target™ and buy a mouse for my laptop. Thankfully, I found out that it was only gonna be Sheara, Alexis, Brittney, Stephanie and Erica [collectively my Sexi Bitches] at the diner and decided to go after all. I picked up Chantaé, Britnie, and Syeda and went to Wal*Mart and RadioShack to get my mouse and then bought lunck at Johnny's "New York Style" Pizza. [I hate Wal*Mart... bastards.] After eating the pizza at Syeda's place I changed, dropped off Chantaé and joined the crew at La Parilla. I hate Mexican so I had a daquari and dessert while they ate adn then followed then to Britney's house where she put eyeliner on me. [I promised her months ago that she could, and she leaves for summer semester at UGA tomorrow.] So, I guess I'll post pictures later.

Just when I thought I was free of that blasted school... they decided to mess with me again. Today I had to go up to the high school in order to have my diploma reprinted.